Embarking on the journey of parenthood can be a rollercoaster of emotions, filled with unexpected challenges and moments of intense vulnerability. Despite the vast array of parenting books and well-intentioned advice available, nothing truly prepares you for the realities of becoming a parent until you are in the thick of it. My daughter Madi’s entry into this world was particularly eventful and fraught with anxiety, further amplifying these universal parental experiences.
Weighing just a little over 5 lbs after a 5-week stay in the NICU, Madi’s transition home was a delicate process. We felt fortunate that her stay wasn’t extended to the 8 weeks initially anticipated. As is customary, we scheduled our first pediatrician visit for day 2 of Madi being home. Our choice of pediatrician was a thoughtful one; we opted for a doctor who had cared for Madi in the NICU and was young enough that retirement was a distant thought. On the day of the appointment, I found myself navigating solo, as Erik had to work at the hospital that day. I anticipated a straightforward visit. However, that day is etched in my memory, still haunting me over three years later.
A pivotal part of Madi’s post-NICU care involved daily Vitamin D supplements. Given her previous struggles with apnea episodes in the NICU — moments when her tiny body would forget to breathe — we were meticulous in ensuring she was securely sucking before administering the vitamins. On this particular day, as I prepared Madi for our appointment, I gave her the Vitamin D as usual. She seemed to be sucking and swallowing properly, but unbeknownst to me, she was cheeking the vitamin.
Suddenly, Madi began to choke. The vitamins obstructed her airway, she forgot to breathe, and her body turned a terrifying shade of purple. Panic surged through me as I turned her over, patting her back, then rubbing her chest, desperately trying to dislodge the obstruction and stimulate her to breathe. I was alone, my phone out of reach, and I knew that calling for help would mean stopping the life-saving interventions I was attempting. After what felt like an eternity, Madi took a deep breath, her color returning, and relief washed over me. I couldn’t stop crying, holding her tightly in my arms, grateful that I hadn’t lost her in that horrifying moment.
Shaken, we hurried to the pediatrician’s office, tears still streaming down my face. I questioned my competency as a mother in front of the pediatrician, half-jokingly suggesting that I leave Madi with them because I couldn’t be trusted. In that moment, I felt more scared and alone than I had ever felt before, even compared to the harrowing experience of Madi’s birth.
Sharing this story is my way of reaching out to the community of parents who understand the immense pressure and guilt that come with raising children. We all have our moments of vulnerability and fear, and it's important to recognize that we are not alone. Parenthood is a journey filled with highs and lows, and it’s okay to admit that sometimes, it’s really, really hard.
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